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lynx212Title: Pets R' Us
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Verse: My OT3
Characters: Roy/Ed/Russell
Author: Little ole me
Genre: Humor/Slice of life
Words: 1,868
Rating: T for The Boys being the Boys and Gracia being not much better ^_^
Summary: Ed's seems to have picked up a new hobby much to Roy's dismay... looks like it's up to Russ to sort it all out.
Warnings: None
Dedicated to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
luxquintessence because she is too far away for me to give her real hugs so I am sending her cyber hugs in the form of OT3 ficcage ^_^
luxquintessence because she is too far away for me to give her real hugs so I am sending her cyber hugs in the form of OT3 ficcage ^_^Roy was still stunned as he made his way through the house. There’s no way he’d seen what his eyes had just told him he’d seen. Nah, something had to be amiss. He couldn’t have just seen… nah had to be his eyes playing tricks on him. Roy had just managed to shake off the shock when he made it to the den.
“Yes, Roy.”
“Do you happen to know why there’s an aquarium in the living room?”
“Lobsters need to be in water.”
“Yeah… about that, wasn’t he supposed to be dinner? I thought you were going to try your hand at, and I quote, ‘making some of that fancy shit you and Russ make.’ Lobster Bisque was the venue right?”
“I tried, Poseidon gave me this beady eyed look and I just couldn’t so yeah, its fried chicken for dinner. That’s real food anyway.”
“Poseidon?”
“I couldn’t just keep calling him “The Lobster” now could I?”
“No, of course not,” Roy said as he wandered out of the room still somewhat in a daze. It appears Manny had company and his name was Poseidon.
+++
“Ed.”
“What is it, Russ.”
“Are you aware of the snake behind your head?”
“Oh you mean Jade. Yeah I found her outside earlier. Isn’t she the coolest shade of green you’ve ever seen?”
“She? How do you know it’s a she?”
“Male snakes have a pair of hemipenes, which are sex organs that normally sit inverted inside the snake from the cloaca down along the tail on either side of the snake's midline. This snake had none so yeah… she.”
“Oh… I see,” was all Russell said as he wandered out of the den rubbing his head. So they now had a snake too it seems.
+++
“Ed.”
“What’s up, Sparky?”
“Do you happen to know why there are two turtles in the living room with Greek letters painted on their shells?”
“One, they are tortoises not turtles and I thought the names Alpha and Omega would be pretty kick ass don’t you agree?”
“What’s the difference between a tortoise and a turtle? Aren’t all those names synonymous with each other?”
Ed gives Roy a look like he’s just turned green and sprouted four antennas.
“No,” Ed began sounding offended, “tortoises live on land and turtles live in water.”
“Ah.”
“What do you think of the names?”
“Not bad,” Roy replied, still at a loss for words.
+++
“Ed.”
“What’cha need, Blondie?”
“I need to know what that thing is laying on the back of the couch.”
Ed follows Russell’s line of sight until his eyes land on the thing in question.
“Oh that’s Garfield. He’s an iguana.”
“Ah, well Roy’s over at the Hughes household.”
“Uh ok… what’s that got to do with anything?”
“He’s less than comfortable with Garfield. They met under some unusual circumstances a little while ago.”
“I guess I should have let you guys know he was in the house.”
“It would have helped.”
“I’ll make sure to warn you next time,” Ed replied as he went back to reading his book like there wasn’t a four foot lizard roaming free in the house.
Russell sighed and retreated to the kitchen to call and check on Roy.
Maes and Roy were in the Hughes household den having a drink when the phone rang so Gracia answered it.
“Hello Russell, were you able to get some answers out of Ed?”
“Yes and no. I know the thing that ended up in the shower with Roy is an iguana but I still have no clue why Ed is collecting random animals.”
“Perhaps he and Al are more alike than any of us thought.”
“How so,” Russell asked, more curious than ever.
“We all know Al takes in every stray cat or dog that crosses his path. Perhaps Ed is the same way.”
“If that’s the case, why have we never seen this behavior before?”
“If I had to guess I’d say its all part of him being settled and feeling at home. When they were young I know he was constantly telling Al they couldn’t have a pet because they had nowhere to keep one.”
“But the Elric brothers have had an apartment for years.”
“True but maybe this, being with you and Roy and buying the house, is what it took for Ed to truly feel settled.”
“I think you might be on to something there Gracia. Thanks for the advice.”
“Anytime Russell, age, wisdom and all that jazz.”
Russell chuckled, “Well it came in handy. I was getting more confused by the pet and so was Roy. Speaking of Roy… how is he?”
“His nerves were pretty shot when he arrived but now that Maes has gotten a few drinks in him he’s calmed down.”
“So, no more threats of roasting, Garfield?”
“Garfield?”
“Yeah, that’s what Ed said his name was.”
“Oh dear,” Gracia said and her tone was not comforting to Russell in the slightest.
“Why is that a problem?”
“When a person names anything it shows a deeper level of attachment. I know you and Roy wish to get rid of your new assortment of exotic pets but that might not be so easy, or so wise if Ed is attached to them.”
“We never take the easy route do we?”
“No you don’t but I wouldn’t have the three of you any other way. Just be careful, I know he doesn’t seem like it but under all that gruffness and genius there is a little boy in there that hasn’t had a place that’s felt like home in over a decade.”
Russell sighed. He hadn’t thought of it that way, “We need a plan B then.”
“What was plan A?”
“According to Roy it was, roasted iguana, boiled lobster and the rest were headed for the woods.”
“You do need a plan B. Can I offer some assistance on this end as well? I would hate to overstep my lines and…”
“No you are fine, Gracia. We need all the help we can get. I have one lover slowly creating a zoo and another one that refuses to come home.”
“Out of curiosity, how did Roy encounter the iguana? Maes took him wet, nearly naked, shaking and livid straight into the den so I didn’t get to hear the story.”
“He was in the shower. He had his eyes closed washing his hair when Garfield decided to go introduce himself.”
“Oh no,” Gracia said as she put herself in Roy’s shoes. It was not a pretty picture.
“Yup, so he hears the curtain rustling, opens his eyes expecting to find me or Ed and… well…”
“He finds a four foot lizard instead.”
“Right and nothing says traumatized quite like having your dangly bits in reach of a animal that size. Sorry I said that Gracia, that was crude of me.”
“I am far from a blushing virgin, Russell. I have more experience with dangly bits than you do.”
She couldn’t see it, but Russell’s ears were crimson.
“So what’s this idea of yours?”
“Let me make a few phone calls before I get your hopes up and while I’m doing that why don’t you help Ed alchemize something large enough to hold Garfield in to appease Roy.”
“I’m on it little lady. Thanks for all of your help.”
“It’s my pleasure Russell and good luck.”
Russell hung up, rolled his shoulders and set off to talk to Ed. He was really hoping Gracia’s phone calls worked some magic.
After much talking with Ed, Russell gets Garfield detained and that lead to Roy returning home. Gracia called him late in the evening five days later with news that was like music to his ears. Her friend Bellamy was not only the primary caretaker of a small local zoo that focused on exotic and foreign animals she was the owner and in the market for help. After talking to Ed the three of them came to the decision that Poseidon and Jade could stay but Garfield along with Alpha and Omega would become residents of Bellamy’s exhibit and zoo. Ed rode along to make sure his scaly friends got settled in and to see if he could offer Bellamy any assistance.
As Russell and Roy watched the van containing half their newfound pet population and Ed disappear into the horizon they sighed in near unison.
“I don’t have the words,” Russ began. “Are you ok over there Roy? I know you were more uncomfortable with our guests than you let on.”
“What gave me away?”
“Cage, or no cage you haven’t set foot in the library since the day Garfield started living in there.”
“Was I that obvious?”
“No, I don’t think Ed noticed but as the person keeping an eye on you both it caught my attention.”
“I’m not sure how you did all of this Russ but thank you.”
“Don’t just thank me, thank Gracia too. I had major help on this one.”
“Still,” Roy said as his voice trailed off. “You put things in motion to fix this little mess and I’m grateful. I’m not very good at telling either one of you no. If we had kids I would be the go to parent to get stuff. Plus I suck at admitting fears even more so, but the iguana… yeah that was a serious line for me. Lizards at four inches like Manny are adorable… at four feet not so much.”
“I kind of gathered that when you left out of here in nothing but shoes and a coat. I’m just glad we own a car. You walking around like that might have created quite the stir.”
“The three of us have stirred the proverbial pot so much I’m not sure if it would be a big thing to people or just another thing.”
Russell shrugged and asked, “Do you care?”
“Not it the slightest but I could do without ever having another long uncomfortable talk with the Führer.”
“You never told us exactly how that went.”
“It wasn’t as bad as it could have been and to be honest it went surprisingly well. I think for the most part he wanted reassurance this wasn’t some passing fancy and I hadn’t lost my mind to some early manifesting midlife crisis. It actually ended with him asking me questions… a lot of uncomfortable questions.”
“You’ve had a long week so I won’t ask for details. Could I interest you in a massage, you look tense.”
“The answer to that will always be yes but I warn you now. I’m making no promises to behave.”
“I wouldn’t dream of stifling your creativity,” Russell said as he moved toward the house and opened the door, “Shall we?”
Roy nodded and walked through the open door. Russell stared unabashedly at Roy’s backside as he strolled by and patted his chin in thought. If he played his cards right and rubbed Roy the right way he’d be balls deep in that fabulous ass before the night was done. If luck was on his side and things timed out Ed would get back in the middle of things and all would right with the world.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-21 02:26 am (UTC)Thank you so much-- this is such a fantastic story !
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-21 02:33 am (UTC)My muse has been all over the place the last month so I figured I'd work on some OT3ness.
... The next piece has smut just so you know LOL
*icon love*
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-21 02:51 am (UTC).... I think it is the low frequency sound, because they kind of get into dubstep as well.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-21 02:53 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-21 03:06 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-21 03:10 am (UTC)*icon love*
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-21 03:12 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-24 04:48 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-21 03:27 am (UTC)I imagine Roy's backside is quite the sight to behold! :) Hurry Ed or you'll miss all the fun! :D
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-23 01:08 am (UTC)His backside probably deserves to be immortalized in some museum painting.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-21 07:33 am (UTC)dirtymind is still looping on 'balls deep in that fabulous ass'.Great story. I loled. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-23 01:13 am (UTC)Thank you. This idea hit me and refused to be denied and here you have it! I think I shall make Gracia a more prominent figure in the OT3 world... she could be fun.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-23 04:03 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-24 04:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-21 09:26 am (UTC)Lord have mercy, one can only hope!
Loved this! I've missed reading your fic and damn it, I'll be making more time to get caught up if it kills me!
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-23 01:19 am (UTC)Glad you enjoyed it and I know the feeling. Life and writing takes up so much of my time I don't get to read as much as I'd like to either *hugs on you*
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-21 12:37 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-23 01:21 am (UTC)Yeah... poor Roy he may need therapy.
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-21 01:34 pm (UTC)I'm with the guys on this one, Al's cats and dogs I could live with but Ed's exotic pets would not be staying in the house, ever!
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-23 01:25 am (UTC)I always look forward to your input on these three. A Post wouldn't be the same without you! *HUGS*
Ed, Ed, Ed... he is pretty fearless and at times he forgets others are not. I guess when you've battled Chimeras iguanas are nothing LOL
(no subject)
Date: 2013-02-28 07:30 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-04-03 10:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2013-05-03 12:20 am (UTC)I adore Ed in this universe myself. He is just the right mix of sexy and adorable!