Fullmetal Alchemist || Maes/Ed, Roy/Ed || Double Whammy: Hindsight

[lynx212]

Title: Double Whammy: Hindsight

Fandom: FMA

Pairing: Maes/Ed,  past Roy/Ed

Words: 3,858

Genre: Romance/Drama/Angst

Rating: R

Warnings: None

Summary: Sometimes you just think you want to know, when in truth, you really want to keep holding on to your own personally skewed version of events...

Beta: None so all errors are indeed of my own doing

Dedicated to luxquintessence who said the sweetest thing about this fic and my writing HERE

Previous Installments HERE

Ed was giving Roy such an incredulous look he was beginning to regret asking.

“I can’t believe you have no idea, but I suppose I shouldn’t be shocked. If nothing else our relationship had it’s own special way of becoming a comedy of errors with half the humor and minus the happy ending.”

When Roy gave him a puzzled look Ed sighed and started talking. He might as well tell the whole story there was no sense censoring anything now.

“I was at his house and we were playing chess. Or as he calls it my favorite game to beat him in.”

A distant look took over Ed’s eyes and Roy knew he was in for quite the tale.

“Aren’t you tired of hanging out with an old military dog like me? It’s not like I've been good company these past few months.”

“I don’t expect you to be chipper, Alan. Divorce isn’t known for making happy campers.”

“Still you must have better things to do than whipping my ass in chess, cards or whatever most nights a week. Where’s Roy?”

“Off with that dignitary from Xing showing him the finer points of the city.”

“Wasn’t he doing that last night?”

“Yup, check by the way.”

Maes looked across the table and noted how focused Ed was on the board in-between them, “Here I am so absorbed in my own little pity party I didn’t even notice that you aren’t much happier than I am, are you, Ed?”

Pale brows furrowed but Ed never looked up, “Happily ever after is for fairy tales. Besides it probably overrated anyway. Your move.”

“No it’s not, not until you talk to me. You’ve been hanging out with me two, three nights a week for months now and Roy hasn’t come looking for you once. He’s never home is he?”

“Not most nights before eleven or midnight, so as long as I’m back before then he would never know I was gone.”

“But Ed, half the time you end up sleeping on my couch.”

“I leave him a note. I wouldn’t have him worrying about me like that. He knows I’m either here or with Al.”

“That wasn’t my concern. Are you okay with being alone all the time like that? What the hell is he off doing that many nights a week?”

“He’s gotten closer to the Führer, ya know made the in list and all that so if he’s not with that group he’s with the new friends he’s made on the Council.”

“Ok, and he never invites you along to any of these things?”

“Nope,” Ed said as his left hand clenched around the rook he’d taken from Maes a while ago, “it’s no biggie, let’s just finish the game.”

“If it’s no biggie then why won’t you look at me?”

When Ed finally forced golden eyes to meet green ones the man shook his head, “Aren’t we a sad pair? Sorry it took me so long to notice.”

Ed snorted, “At least you did. Even with all you have on your mind and not seeing me every day you managed to notice something he continues to overlook even after I’ve flat out told him. I don’t know if that’s ironic or sad.”

After the conversation got so heavy they made some tea and moved into the living room, neither had the mindset to try and finish the game. Ed was curled up in the overstuffed armchair and Maes was kicked back on the couch with his feet up. They talked about everything yet nothing in particular at the same time. When the conversation rolled around to failed romances and how everyone was trying to convince Maes it wouldn’t hurt him to go out on a date, Ed volunteered to make the next round of tea.

The situation was hard enough on Ed as it was but when it came to certain subject matters that just made it worse. Hands braced on the sink Ed stared down into an empty bowl and mumbled, “Get a hold of yourself Elric. Don’t fall apart now. Just don’t think about it.”

“Don’t think about what?”

Startled, Ed whirled around and literally bumped into Maes. Pinned between him and the sink Ed had nowhere to go.

“Sorry I… I was taking so long on the tea,” Ed stuttered as he tried to push past Maes, but Maes wasn’t having it.

“Look Ed I know I’ve been preoccupied lately with my own drama but you know, no matter what I always have time for you and Al, right?”

“Yeah… yeah I know that,” Ed replied still trying to free himself from his current predicament.

“Well you don’t sound very convinced. But perhaps that’s my fault for taking comfort in your presence for so long and not giving anything in return. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize. I’m fine, really I am.”

“If that’s the case, why won’t you look at me and why are you trying to run away from me as if I’ll bite?”

“It’s just been a long crappy week.”

“Ok if that’s all it is then you should have no problem looking at me then.”

Ed was trapped and much like a cornered animal he either wanted to run or fight. His problem was he didn’t have the mental or emotional resources to do either. Swallowing hard, he forced his head to turn when Maes called his name for the third time. Instantly, he fell into green eyes he’d dreamed about more times than he could recall. The moment the other man’s hand grabbed his chin to keep him from turning away again Ed’s consciousness and logic took a holiday.

The next thing he knew he was pulling back from a kiss he didn’t remember initiating. The shock written all over Maes’s face made Ed’s heart sink but he used the opportunity to push the other man away from him before running from the kitchen as fast as his feet would carry him.

Unfortunately for Ed, it wasn’t fast enough.

An instant after he yanked the front door open a hand landed on it over his head, slamming it shut. Back still to Maes and chest heaving, Edward Elric contemplated using alchemy; he wanted to flee that badly.

“Ed?”

He couldn’t speak, he couldn’t think all he could do was stand there trembling like a leaf in the wind.

“Edward, please talk to me.”

No, talking required thought and Ed wasn’t capable of that in that moment.

“Is that what’s been weighing on your mind so heavily these past few weeks?”

That statement snapped him out of his trance.

“Not weeks, years.”

That response threw Maes off balance yet again. Years? Ed had, had feelings like this for him for years? He couldn’t wrap his brain around that. As much as he wanted to ask why he never said anything, Maes knew better. Even as the question floated through his mind a dozen reasons sprang up and it all made him feel even sorrier for the young man trembling between him and the door.

That thought made Maes back up and give Ed some space.

“Sorry this all came out now and… well just don’t worry about it, I gotta go.”

“I won’t force you to stay Ed but I would like you to. I would like to talk about this and not just ignore it, sounds to me like it’s been ignored long enough.”

“I… this just so blows and the last two weeks have been shitty in ways I can’t even put into words and now I go and add this to it,” Ed groaned as he let his forehead thud against the door, “Will I ever be able to have my hands in something and not fuck it up?”

Maes didn’t really know how to answer that or what to do but he could tell that Ed definitely didn’t need to dwell on what had just happened between them, “Why don’t you start off by telling me what has made these two weeks so shitty.”

Maes was shocked when Ed went into how the previous week marked the seventeenth anniversary of his mother's passing. How he couldn’t believe he’d been without her for that many years. He’d spent that day with Al as always but he was having a hard time shaking the melancholy that came along with the memory this year.

Then he said the work load he had to deal with wasn’t helping matters at all. Being the best and the brightest in your field had its downside and that meant everyone was always pulling at you to either look something over, help with something, be in on something or all of the above. There was that, his normal duties and helping Roy now that his time was so divided that made for some long days.

When Ed said that, Maes recalled getting more than a few documents and contracts from Roy’s office that were stamped with his signature but initialed by Ed or Riza.

“Then Al’s worried about me for obvious reasons, he’s my brother plus he’s a worrier by nature. So I try my best to keep my game face on but…”

“He knows you too well and can see right through it.”

Ed nodded but didn’t make any motions to move from the door.

“Then you have my relationship with Roy. It all started out well enough, but...”

“But it took you a while to give dating him a try.”

Another series of nods.

“I mean I… I knew I not only couldn’t, but I didn’t want to spend my whole life pining after someone I couldn’t have. I thought that perhaps dating someone else would help this go away. That maybe it didn’t, because I’d never had anyone else to focus on.”

Maes was scared to speak then so he didn’t.

“I tried, I really did and it wasn’t bad at first, I was actually enjoying my relationship with Roy. But then about five months in he started with the I love you’s and I wasn’t ready for that. Sure I did care about him but… anyway he seemed ok with the fact I wasn’t ready to return it then and all was well until a year into our relationship and well it may sound cruel, selfish, careless or whatever you want to call it but when he said it then I felt like not returning the sentiment wasn’t an option.”

Ed whacked his forehead on the door a few times before continuing, “It felt horrible to voice that kind of lie at first but as weeks turned into months it just became another automated response in my life.”

“I’m so sorry Ed I don’t know what to say.”

“There’s nothing to say other than I’ve screwed up yet again. But don’t worry about it I’ll think my way through this and decide how to handle it.”

“Handle it?”

Ed turned around then and with his back to the door he let his body slide down until he was sitting on the welcome mat, “I have to decide something, Alan. If that incident in the kitchen said anything it said I am no more past what I feel for you now, than I was at sixteen. I don’t think I can continue seeing Roy, it’s not fair to him. I do care about him but I’m not so sure that’s enough.”

After sitting there in one of the most uncomfortable silences either man had been a part of in a long time Ed suddenly hopped to his feet. With fists clenched at his sides he reached for the door once more.

“I… I’m so sorry to dump this on you now. Of all times this has to probably be the worst. I… I just couldn’t stand seeing you the way you were and I foolishly thought I could be of some help. I… I’m just sorry please believe me I am.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself Ed. Now that I know how… how you feel about me I can only imagine how hard it had to be for you to sit here as I did nothing but talk about how much I loved someone else. If anything I’m the one the one who should be apologizing.”

“I… just don’t worry about it, ok? I gotta go.”

“What happened after that?”

“I wandered aimlessly around the city for over two hours before I decided to go home.”

“To our place?”

“Yes Roy, to our place, if you could call it that.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“It was almost nine when I got home that night and you were nowhere to be found. I called your office. No answer. I called every fifteen minutes until I was crying so hard I couldn’t use the phone. I laid on the couch crying like a baby for another hour before I could pull myself together enough to try one last time and you finally answered.”
Roy’s brow knitted together as he tried to place the timeline of events. Once he did, memories of an impromptu gathering involving rare wine in General Dorgan’s office flooded his mind. He remembered returning to his office to get his jacket before he went home and the phone ringing.

“I remember that now.”

“Do you? Do you really? If so I’d like for you to tell me what happened next.”

Roy thought hard and he recalled talking to Ed and thinking he sounded out of sorts.

“Out of sorts,” Ed snorted before looking away from Roy, “More than anything I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to work through what I was feeling. I… hell maybe part of me wanted you to do something or say something that would remind me why we were in a relationship to begin with.”

“I would have done anything for you if I’d known,” Roy whispered feeling guilty since he knew how that night had ended.

“Forgive me,” Ed said sarcastically, “I thought me telling you I needed you because I felt like I was falling apart would have been a good enough reason for you to come home.”

Roy didn’t know what to say because he remembered that night. He remembered telling Ed he was on his way home only to run into the gentlemen he’d been entertaining with earlier and going out with them until well after the witching hour.

“I waited on you until my eyes wouldn’t stay open anymore.”

Roy unfortunately recalled that as well. As he sat there looking into golden eyes that still looked disappointed in his actions, he could see the image of Ed asleep on their couch.

“The next morning I all but begged you to come home after work. I knew what I had to say wasn’t a conversation that could be had over lunch. You told me you’d be home by six,” Ed said and the hurt anger in his tone had Roy playing the events of their last week of being a couple over in his mind in a way he hadn’t until that point.

“I... I would have done anything for you if I’d known,” Roy repeated.

“No offense Roy but please quit saying that. You make it sound like some life altering occurrence needed to happen in order for you to keep a promise to me. I felt like I was losing my mind all day. When I finally got home I spent the hour I was waiting on you cooking and trying to figure out how I was going to start the conversation. Little did I know I shouldn’t have bothered to worry about it.”

Roy flinched at that because he knew he didn’t make it home before midnight that night either.

“It wasn’t intentional Ed. If you don’t believe anything else I say please believe that.”

“I never thought it was Roy. It just hurt to know that after chasing me as hard as you did, once you got me you could just sit me on a shelf and forget about me.”

“I know it doesn’t excuse my previous actions but the following day was much better wasn’t it?”

Ed’s head whipped around as amber eyes pierced his soul. The wounded and angry expression has Roy confused.

“No Roy, if anything that was the worst night of the whole fucking week.”

“How could you say that after we… how does us making love equal the worst night of the week?”

“Roy it… it wasn’t the act itself it was how it took place and everything that surrounded it.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was an emotional wreck Roy. On top of that, for days I’d been begging for a few hours of time you couldn’t spare for me. You come home as I’m getting out of the shower and before I can even open my mouth to speak to you, you’re kissing me, touching me and… and fuck Roy, underneath it all I’m still a man. Once the passion was spent I’m lying on your chest thinking, finally a moment alone with you. But that wasn’t the case at all. You slid out from under me and disappeared into the bathroom. When I heard the shower running it struck me as odd but I never thought… anyway you coming out and getting dressed had me speechless. You were talking about some dinner you were going too and how I shouldn’t wait up for you and all I could do was sit there feeling used for the first time in my life.”

“Ed I didn’t mean to make you feel that way I…”

“How else could I feel? After days of begging you to spend time with me, when you finally do that is what happened. You never asked me what had me upset, you never even hinted at it. You just came in, took pleasure from my body, showered and took off. You didn’t even ask me if I wanted to go to the damn dinner with you… you just got your jollies and left. I don’t think I’d ever felt so desperately alone in the three years we’d been together.”

Roy sat there with nothing to say once again. He hadn’t looked at it that way at the time but now looking back on it maybe he hadn’t made the best decisions. It would be different if Ed was stretching the facts but Roy remembered his actions all too well. He just hadn’t looked at them from any perspective but his own.

“I’m sorry Ed, I guess this explains why you didn’t so much as hug me before you told me you were leaving me. At least I now know what sealed the deal.”

“Believe it or not that wasn’t it. That was definitely part of it but what really did it was the next day.”

“What could I have done the next day that could top that?”

“Nothing and the fact you just acknowledged you realized I didn’t touch you makes the fact that you didn’t realize I hadn’t spoken to you for three days sting a little bit more.”

Roy was about to call Ed a liar and point out some instance where he had said something to him only to realize he couldn’t.

“Yeah so after not speaking to you at all the next day and you not saying anything about it made me wonder how long it could go on before you missed the sound of my voice. Apparently it takes more than three days for that to happen but I had already made up my mind that it was over by the end of day two. I knew you had ambitions and I knew there would have to be sacrifices made but I couldn’t live like that anymore.”

“Especially once Maes was available right?”

Ed snorted, “Think whatever you want Roy but I was fully ready to get on the next train to Xing. If it hadn’t been for Al I think I would have. I had enough personal time to be gone for a month. We hadn’t actually made it on one of our vacations in over a year.”

“So what did you do when you left. I know you didn’t go to Al’s I checked.”

“I knew you would so I left town.”

“Well how does you leaving town lead to what I walked in on?”

“Once I returned Al let me know both of you had been looking for me. In the face of his questions and my confusion I tried to get a research pass to East City. Maes intercepted my paperwork and tracked me down. Lots of talking, late nights and long days lead up to this point.”

“But it’s been such a short time.”

“Since our split up yes but Gracia left him almost a year ago and as much as you may not want to hear it our relationship had been on life support long before I called it off. As far as what you walked in on, I won’t deny the fact that I put the moves on him once we got here.”

“A little quick isn’t it?”

“What do either one of us have to lose? His wife and child are halfway across the country and he’s left here with a career he doesn’t even want anymore. Al’s leaving to research and travel with a group and I’ve decided that I’m abandoning the military ship as soon as my contracts up.”

“You’re what?”

“I’m leaving the military. I have no reason to stay. Besides if I don’t get out now I’m going to be promoted and end up in the same boat as Alan. I don’t want the Brass in a position where they can keep me against my will for years.”

“Then what? Are you and Mase going to ride off into the sunset together?”

“I wouldn’t be opposed to it,” is Ed’s response to Roy’s sarcasm, “but if that doesn’t happen it’s not like I’m lost without him or the military for that matter. There are a dozen things I could do and without any tying me down I’d be free to pursue them. I wouldn’t mind taking time off to finish a few of my ongoing projects anyway.”

“So just like that you are going to start a whole new life?”

“What choice do I have? I’ve done it a couple of times already remember? I’m a pro at this by now.”

Roy opened his mouth to respond only to have a loud clap of thunder cut him off. This made both men look outside and what they saw wasn’t a pretty picture. It was still raining like a banshee, the flooding was getting worse and if that wasn’t enough the lights flickered a few times before going dim and slowly returning to their previous state of brightness. Not only were they stuck but it looked like they were going to soon be stuck without the luxury of power.

That’s just what their situation needed.

More tension and yet another thing going horribly wrong.